[Disclaimer: Long post ahead, written in Hinglish (i.e. Hindi+English). I apologise in advance for the readers who aren't acquainted with Hindi, but I promise you'll get the drift.]
It’s the year 2020 wherein apart from
Covid 19/ Coronavirus, Face Masks, Social Distancing and Sanitisation - Break-ups
also seem to be the new normal.
I’m not stereotyping here; but come to
think of it, we as humans (atleast some of us) have learnt to put ourselves
first. Well, obviously that’s not a bad thing! What goes wrong is often how we
treat other people.
I remember I was about 15 or 16 (yes,
few of you would argue I was a kid), when I had my first relationship with a
boy in his 20’s, where a breakup was nothing short of a traumatic experience.
It could almost be compared to a Karan Johar movie which no one was filming or
had the budget for; but was complete with mediocre yet real performances; being
produced and directed by – yours truly!
Initially, love was everywhere. Every romantic
song/scene reminded me of him. I looked forward to those long phone calls and
messages, while my mother dreaded those bills and wondered why I was talking to
my best friend for 4-5 hours after school. Lovelorn couples made me mushy and
miss him and friends were chanting “ohhoo—aahaaa—mmmhmmm” – because
pehla pyaar, no?
Cut to my breakup, there was a lot of rona-dhona,
there were dialogues like “Pyaar ek hi baar hota hai (clearly not)” and “Mera pehla pyaar adhoora reh gaya, Rifatbi”. There is a playlist full of sad/melancholic songs
which don’t tire you. You feel you’re
dancing but in reality, you look like a fan rotating to “Tujhe yaad na meri aayi,
kisise ab kya kehna” and “Judaai” while the boy was busy doing
something synonymous to that. Only with other people. And there’s also a moment
you look at those phone bills and feel you could have done something productive
with your life than wasted your parent’s money like that. Nahi? Okay, shayad
nahi. But you get the point.
While this is a personal example, from
the few examples I could quote – it is not necessary that every breakup has to
be because someone cheated or because there were bad vibes/ego clashes or
because tumhe baadme laga uski shakal hi bekaar hai. You know?
Sometimes, a breakup could be unfortunate – like, family issues. It could be
because you wanted attention and you blurted breakup, expecting him to run back
but he just said YESS, I DO – and tumhare lag gaye. Or sometimes
it’s just that 2 mature individuals or even 3 (whatever suits you), realise
that while you’re drawn to each other – you’ll aren’t necessarily compatible.
There’s no book that teaches you how to handle a
breakup (is there?), whether it’s the person breaking up or the person being
broken (is that even the word I am looking for?). Having gone through my share
of the above, I've realized that it’s important to have a clean slate
in order to be able to enjoy the after-life. And this misconception that people
have that- “you can never be friends with your ex.” It’s bullshit.
Of
course you can be friends. That’s what you started off as in the first place –
unless you met on Tinder and just wanted to hookup. Or you decide to venture on
the ‘friends-with-benefits’ path.
(Dekho, Benefit is always good, if it is a
primer (cosmetic joke alert for the ladies) but don’t be an item on SALE offered at a discounted price, because that means samaan accha nahi hai. And no man/woman
wants a defective samaan - just saying! Know your worth, folks.)
This
renewed friendship that you’re trying to forge –
It
takes time, it takes effort, it takes patience, it takes strength, it takes
cooperation, and it takes a restless mind like mine to convince you that the suffer
safar isn’t the fastest or even easiest. But if you manage to survive,
it’s worth it.
Having
said that, if you had a creepy ex or someone who ghosted you or someone who was
disrespectful/demeaning, I am NOT saying run back to him/her. I’m hoping tum
sab apna khudka dimaag bhi lagaoge. The dosti I write about - obviously
pertains to people who are still friends, because the foundation (not a
cosmetic joke) is trust, loyalty and mutual respect and who will not take you
for granted.
So
having cleared that, here are some things I guess I’ve learnt:
Praathmik (is not a man’s name) or primarily (for my
millennial readers), you cannot impose or expect to have rules for the person you’re
breaking up with. I mean, seriously, if you
expect them to understand and co-operate, you’re asking for the moon. You
are. They’ll get there eventually, but you’ve got to give them time and space.
Time for the feeling to sink in and space for all the tears/hurt/the feeling
of “why does this have to happen to me” or “maine kya galat
kia” etc. [Don’t rant about their galti or use the line - It’s not you,
but me or vice versa. Doesn’t help].
Giving
time and space doesn’t mean you have to abandon them.
You
still have to be there. You are expected to be there. And no, it’s not a huge
expectation. The
real test of love (among many others, I’m sure) lies in whether you actually
manage to be there for them when they need you. And at what point in time could
they need you more than when you decide to leave them and go? So in effect, you
need to go, but you also need to be there.
'Hums to self - Main rahu ya na rahu, tum mujhme kahi baaki rehna’.
Paradox?
I’m afraid so.
But
not impossible, if you know how to use your common sense and grit.
There’s
a quote:
How
you propose portrays the kind of person you are.
But
how you break up speaks volumes about you.
Hence,
you need to behave responsibly. I’m not telling you to turn into Gandhi/Mother
Teresa, because I know it’s hard for you too. The test of time is how well you
can handle yourself as well as the other person.
You
may ask - Why is it important to handle the other person?
Ab
toh breakup ho gaya, toh main apne raaste, woh apne raaste.
If
you think this way, God bless you – and you need to really ask yourself, if you
ever loved the other person. Often, the other person is incapable of handling
themselves (gender no bar). They will tell you to get lost, that
they never want to see your face again. They will act angry, throw tantrums,
and act unreasonable. And that’s when they need you the most. They won’t admit
it (which is fine) but that’s when they’re at their most vulnerable. And all
the while, you think they’re being immature.
But,
put yourself in their shoes. Think. What is it that’s holding them back from
being upfront with you and telling you that they need you? It’s the fact that
you can let go of them so easily (or so they think). Rationality is bound to
take a back seat! So don’t turn your back on them. You
basked in their affection. Now you’re expected to put up with some shit.
At
the end of this terrible period, they will be grateful that you put up with
them and that you didn’t just leave. And they will be sorry that they gave you
shit in the first place. They may or may not say that to your face. Again, it’s
the guilt and the knowledge that they were acting stupid that’s playing up
here. Don’t push it. If either scenario didn’t play out, wo person hi tatti
sahi nahi tha!
If
you’ve been at it a long enough time and it doesn’t seem to be moving it, let
it go. But make sure you were really AT IT. Otherwise it
doesn’t entitle you to walk away just yet. And how do you measure longevity,
well I can’t say – that’s for you to decide. But I don’t mean 1 day or 1 week –
Simple! If you see them extending an olive branch - grab it. And hang onto
it. And water it and make it grow.
Turning
a messy relationship into a beautiful friendship is an art. And
I say that because the object of art is to turn something ordinary/ugly into
something beautiful. It’s a true showcase of the skill and talent of the
artist. Think of yourself as M.F. Hussain.
Away from the emotional drama, a
clean slate actually brings the two of you closer in a way that’s very special.
And that will always be special. Contrary to popular opinion, it’ll infuse more
security into your friendship.
You
don’t/won’t have to talk every single day or convince each other that you’ll
always be there for each other. You already know it. You will create a relationship between the two of you
that no language and no dictionary will ever have a word for.
Honge
kuch jal kukde, moorkh/morons,
who will find some cheap-ass word they can’t even spell to define your
relationship. Or keep mocking and turning tables to make you question your
decisions. That’s when you remember how grateful and utilitarian your middle
finger is and be glad you’re blessed with not one, but two.
Lastly,
when a relationship is between 2 individuals, how they part ways should be
their business and nobody else’s. Salman Khan's movie said one right thing (though
grammatically atrocious) – My business is my business, none of your
business.
People
will always label you or stereotype and that sometimes is just human nature. It
doesn’t mean they are bad people or bad friends. It’s just how you respond to
circumstances that matter.
Through this post, I am in no way saying – chalo, phone uthao and start
calling/messaging your exes and wave that white flag or be creepy. It’s just a
perspective on friendships being a possible concept post a breakup – but not
mandatory. It’s a choice both of you make and if one, doesn’t want to be friends
– don’t push them and start stabbing them with your olive branch. NO means
NO. Respect and move on.
Baaki
aap sab toh samjhdar ho! π