A for Apple, B for Breakup.

[Disclaimer: Long post ahead, written in Hinglish (i.e. Hindi+English). I apologise in advance for the readers who aren't acquainted with Hindi, but I promise you'll get the drift.]

It’s the year 2020 wherein apart from Covid 19/ Coronavirus, Face Masks, Social Distancing and Sanitisation - Break-ups also seem to be the new normal.

I’m not stereotyping here; but come to think of it, we as humans (atleast some of us) have learnt to put ourselves first. Well, obviously that’s not a bad thing! What goes wrong is often how we treat other people.

I remember I was about 15 or 16 (yes, few of you would argue I was a kid), when I had my first relationship with a boy in his 20’s, where a breakup was nothing short of a traumatic experience. It could almost be compared to a Karan Johar movie which no one was filming or had the budget for; but was complete with mediocre yet real performances; being produced and directed by – yours truly!

Initially, love was everywhere. Every romantic song/scene reminded me of him. I looked forward to those long phone calls and messages, while my mother dreaded those bills and wondered why I was talking to my best friend for 4-5 hours after school. Lovelorn couples made me mushy and miss him and friends were chanting “ohhoo—aahaaa—mmmhmmm” – because pehla pyaar, no?

Cut to my breakup, there was a lot of rona-dhona, there were dialogues like “Pyaar ek hi baar hota hai (clearly not)” and “Mera pehla pyaar adhoora reh gaya, Rifatbi”. There is a playlist full of sad/melancholic songs which don’t tire you.  You feel you’re dancing but in reality, you look like a fan rotating to “Tujhe yaad na meri aayi, kisise ab kya kehna” and “Judaai” while the boy was busy doing something synonymous to that. Only with other people. And there’s also a moment you look at those phone bills and feel you could have done something productive with your life than wasted your parent’s money like that. Nahi? Okay, shayad nahi. But you get the point.

While this is a personal example, from the few examples I could quote – it is not necessary that every breakup has to be because someone cheated or because there were bad vibes/ego clashes or because tumhe baadme laga uski shakal hi bekaar hai. You know? Sometimes, a breakup could be unfortunate – like, family issues. It could be because you wanted attention and you blurted breakup, expecting him to run back but he just said YESS, I DO – and tumhare lag gaye. Or sometimes it’s just that 2 mature individuals or even 3 (whatever suits you), realise that while you’re drawn to each other – you’ll aren’t necessarily compatible.

There’s no book that teaches you how to handle a breakup (is there?), whether it’s the person breaking up or the person being broken (is that even the word I am looking for?). Having gone through my share of the above, I've realized that it’s important to have a clean slate in order to be able to enjoy the after-life. And this misconception that people have that- “you can never be friends with your ex.”  It’s bullshit.

Of course you can be friends. That’s what you started off as in the first place – unless you met on Tinder and just wanted to hookup. Or you decide to venture on the ‘friends-with-benefits’ path. 
(Dekho, Benefit is always good, if it is a primer (cosmetic joke alert for the ladies) but don’t be an item on SALE offered at a discounted price, because that means samaan accha nahi hai. And no man/woman wants a defective samaan - just saying! Know your worth, folks.) 

This renewed friendship that you’re trying to forge –
It takes time, it takes effort, it takes patience, it takes strength, it takes cooperation, and it takes a restless mind like mine to convince you that the suffer safar isn’t the fastest or even easiest. But if you manage to survive, it’s worth it.  

Having said that, if you had a creepy ex or someone who ghosted you or someone who was disrespectful/demeaning, I am NOT saying run back to him/her. I’m hoping tum sab apna khudka dimaag bhi lagaoge. The dosti I write about - obviously pertains to people who are still friends, because the foundation (not a cosmetic joke) is trust, loyalty and mutual respect and who will not take you for granted.

 So having cleared that, here are some things I guess I’ve learnt: 

Praathmik (is not a man’s name) or primarily (for my millennial readers), you cannot impose or expect to have rules for the person you’re breaking up with. I mean, seriously, if you expect them to understand and co-operate, you’re asking for the moon. You are. They’ll get there eventually, but you’ve got to give them time and space. Time for the feeling to sink in and space for all the tears/hurt/the feeling of “why does this have to happen to me” or “maine kya galat kia” etc. [Don’t rant about their galti or use the line - It’s not you, but me or vice versa. Doesn’t help].

Giving time and space doesn’t mean you have to abandon them.
You still have to be there. You are expected to be there. And no, it’s not a huge expectation. The real test of love (among many others, I’m sure) lies in whether you actually manage to be there for them when they need you. And at what point in time could they need you more than when you decide to leave them and go? So in effect, you need to go, but you also need to be  there.
'Hums to self - Main rahu ya na rahu, tum mujhme kahi baaki rehna’.

Paradox? I’m afraid so.
But not impossible, if you know how to use your common sense and grit.

There’s a quote:
How you propose portrays the kind of person you are.
But how you break up speaks volumes about you.

Hence, you need to behave responsibly. I’m not telling you to turn into Gandhi/Mother Teresa, because I know it’s hard for you too. The test of time is how well you can handle yourself as well as the other person.

You may ask - Why is it important to handle the other person?
Ab toh breakup ho gaya, toh main apne raaste, woh apne raaste.

If you think this way, God bless you – and you need to really ask yourself, if you ever loved the other person. Often, the other person is incapable of handling themselves (gender no bar). They will tell you to get lost, that they never want to see your face again. They will act angry, throw tantrums, and act unreasonable. And that’s when they need you the most. They won’t admit it (which is fine) but that’s when they’re at their most vulnerable. And all the while, you think they’re being immature. 

But, put yourself in their shoes. Think. What is it that’s holding them back from being upfront with you and telling you that they need you? It’s the fact that you can let go of them so easily (or so they think). Rationality is bound to take a back seat! So don’t turn your back on them. You basked in their affection. Now you’re expected to put up with some shit.

At the end of this terrible period, they will be grateful that you put up with them and that you didn’t just leave. And they will be sorry that they gave you shit in the first place. They may or may not say that to your face. Again, it’s the guilt and the knowledge that they were acting stupid that’s playing up here. Don’t push it. If either scenario didn’t play out, wo person hi tatti sahi nahi tha!

If you’ve been at it a long enough time and it doesn’t seem to be moving it, let it go. But make sure you were really AT IT. Otherwise it doesn’t entitle you to walk away just yet. And how do you measure longevity, well I can’t say – that’s for you to decide. But I don’t mean 1 day or 1 week – Simple! If you see them extending an olive branch - grab it. And hang onto it. And water it and make it grow.

Turning a messy relationship into a beautiful friendship is an art. And I say that because the object of art is to turn something ordinary/ugly into something beautiful. It’s a true showcase of the skill and talent of the artist. Think of yourself as M.F. Hussain.

Away from the emotional drama, a clean slate actually brings the two of you closer in a way that’s very special. And that will always be special. Contrary to popular opinion, it’ll infuse more security into your friendship. 

You don’t/won’t have to talk every single day or convince each other that you’ll always be there for each other. You already know it. You will create a relationship between the two of you that no language and no dictionary will ever have a word for.

Honge kuch jal kukde, moorkh/morons, who will find some cheap-ass word they can’t even spell to define your relationship. Or keep mocking and turning tables to make you question your decisions. That’s when you remember how grateful and utilitarian your middle finger is and be glad you’re blessed with not one, but two.

Lastly, when a relationship is between 2 individuals, how they part ways should be their business and nobody else’s. Salman Khan's movie said one right thing (though grammatically atrocious) – My business is my business, none of your business.

People will always label you or stereotype and that sometimes is just human nature. It doesn’t mean they are bad people or bad friends. It’s just how you respond to circumstances that matter.

Through this post, I am in no way saying – chalo, phone uthao and start calling/messaging your exes and wave that white flag or be creepy. It’s just a perspective on friendships being a possible concept post a breakup – but not mandatory. It’s a choice both of you make and if one, doesn’t want to be friends – don’t push them and start stabbing them with your olive branch. NO means NO. Respect and move on.

Baaki aap sab toh samjhdar ho! 😉